2011 (1) (Cupid Hasn't Been Fair)

by Sandister Tei

Dear Marissa,

Once upon a time, many months ago this man liked me and I also liked him back.  He didn’t seem like my type, he was new territory but since I was in the process of recovering from a break up, it seemed ok to bask in this new thing without giving it much thought.

Later he realized that we couldn’t be a couple because of distance perhaps, and also he had ‘put work’ in his complicated relationship with his girlfriend and they were back together. Honestly, I don’t know if they ever broke up but I couldn’t be bothered.  I thought he was just a fleeting temporal occupation and soon he would slide in oblivion. But time proved me wrong.  He wasn’t a whim I had, neither was he a rebound choice, what I felt for him was genuine and instead of abating like I expected, my feelings for him were intensifying.

I understood he was taken, he had even been honest enough to tell me but the more I tried to respect that and give him space, the more I wanted him. He on the other hand didn’t want to encourage it anymore for obviousreasons but nonetheless, tried to make me happy in his own way. It wasn’t a bad way Marissa, it was just not enough and after hearing him talk so highly of hisgirlfriend,  a woman I had never evenmet, who is also the rightful ‘owner’ of this man, I was just bitter without a case.

This so- called love that I had for my friend eventually diedbut resurrected without my knowing and my permission.  And this time, it rose as an obsession― a corrupted version of those once pure and harmless feelings I had for him, and consumed me.

I didn’t plan on falling in love. He was outside the country― distance wouldn’t favor us and besides he was a taken man. I just wanted to enjoy his company and that was it. I hatedto complicate his life. I hated the situation even more because it wascomplicating mine ―“dumbing” down all other possible relationships that I could have with others because I was so lovelorn.

Marissa, this love- turned- obsession did wonderful things to me. I just didn’t get why this boy made me feel that way. I felt humbled, brought down to my knees, so unlike the Sandister I knew. That Sandister who was aloof about love and men and thought being in love was vulnerability and weakness, didn’t want to date and even thought of as lesbian by some friends. Yeah that girl Sandister, I couldn’t find her anymore.

Suddenly, I had forgotten my “Pentecostal values” I was actively pursuing a taken man, and I didn’t hide it. As the Ghanaian jargon goes, ‘like joke, like joke’, I wanted to have his baby. I wanted to get married and the cherry on top of my messy cake was the fact that I had to put my pillow in between my legs to calm myself down at night thinking about him… Erm hey, I’m just saying.

Yeah, so, he oozed appeal that I simply couldn’t resist. I had lost myself in this whole love thing. What was happening to me? I didn’t know, but I knew one thing, this man had spoilt me rotten with love and attention in a way I had never allowed anyone to show me. I had opened up to him, even let him talk to my mother, something none of the boys following me around here, get to do. He had breached “The Great Wall of China” and my defenses like a weakened immune system to a disease were no match for him.

I was tortured. Cupid wasn’t being fair.

I decided to ignore him sometimes but that resolution never lasted.  The next day I’d be on facebook checking his profile, looking at his picture and daydreaming. I deleted his number thousand times only to recover it from phonebook backups on my android. I blocked him from whatsapp a million times, ‘unfriended’ him from facebook but I’dgo back on my resolve and contact him again. All of this lack of will power inhis ‘presence’ just made me frustrated and angry at myself and I would take it out on him. I had become so dependent on his affection but he seemed to be doing so well carrying on with his life.  Why couldn’t I do the same? He would do what he could to calm me down but I was dead cert on making trouble for him not because he had done anything wrong, but because he could make me feel that way about him. It was like I couldn’t go a day without him and that, that didn’t amuse meat all. Dude was just cramping my style.

Marissa, it bruised my ego every now and then that I just clung on to him.  Then for the second time, another guy who knew about this man told me, it was punishment for ignoring him that this man that I also liked, I couldn’t have. That, was, it.

So I hatched this intelligently stupid and classless plan to alienate him. To tell him half the truth about how I feel about our business, throw in a little drama that I know men hate, tell him I hate him and go on my merry little way. Soon it would be New Year and I could start2012 in peace, without him, without the drama and hopefully without the pain. Back to being me, back to controlling my feelings and back to having the upper hand in my relationship with men.  I thought that would also give him space to mind his own love life as well.

A few minutes after operation “alienate boo”. I felt free, but felt empty. Wisdom which always comes after stupidity now came to me. I had regrets.  Marissa as the Nigerian man will say “I don fƆk up”. I had let my feelings ruin everything. I started realizing that I may have succeeded in alienating him but I may have also offended him. I thought about all the good things that he had done for me and the kindness and support he had shown me. I used to question why he was being nice to me but then I realized whatever the motive, he had still done them. That boy meant more to me than I thought. I made decision on that day to stop overdosing on love portion No 9 but rather maintain a healthy friendship with him as I originally wanted but now it’s too late I think.

Guilt.

Lessons?

Love makes you do the stupid Marissa. Love just steals your cool. But there is also a difference between being obsessed and being in love. The former is dangerous, ruining, careless and selfish of how the other feels but the latter listens more, understands more and practices self control. Although all I did to alienate him was so I could get away from him, perhaps I should have rather thrown my android into water and not said what I said to him on all those occasions.

I also taught that even I, Sandister, guarded as I am; I have the capacity to be a brat.  I had forgotten that in life, we all can’t have what we want, but now I have been reminded. My mother has always been right when she insisted I should date more men so I can acquire some emotional maturity. Maturity, Marissa, doesn’t come when you are constantly hiding in your room like me. When inexperience comes to play, it will play hard.

Marissa I also give you this advice before I sign off and get under my covers.

Maturity is not only paying bills and being responsible for many things but also how you handle your most private emotions away from others in the comfort of your own heart. Because eventually bitterness or whatever you think you are hiding will out. That might catch people unaware, offend them and jeopardize relationships. Then it wouldn’t be so private after all. Also I guess you can’t nurse unrequited Eros and friendship at the same time for one person. The best thing you can do is to walk away. Hey I didn’t say pretend to walk away. I said walk away…I should have walked away.

Now I’m back to me―single and not looking to mingle. An old flame, I wanted to give a chance to, will have to wait or forget it… Yeah, that sounds like me alright. Them ‘bounce’you, you also go bounce some brƆ. That’s how we roll in the 2000s. Don’t hate the player Marissa, hate game.

But in all this year would have been quite boring without this drama fyi. Perhaps I needed it. I also needed to learn a thing or two about dignity, loving, doing the right thing and also upholding friendships. I will try and use this information in the near future. I’m out.