Intensity

by Sandister Tei

Dear Marissa,

With regard to careers and men, I was a rolling stone gathering no moss.  I was interested in pursuing all my interests at the same time and I could keep the company of many men. I wouldn’t decide where to sow my seeds definitely…  Fickleness lurked within.

I wasted time and energy Marissa, sh*t loads of time and energy with my lack of definite choices.  My excuse? I was afraid to make a wrong choice. I was afraid of regrets; of the inner critic that would torture every second of my life with “I told you so, I told you not to choose this.”  I wondered how I was going to live with myself if I made the wrong move permanently. I was afraid I will miss out on the party that waits at the end of the right path should I take the left, and serotonin levels in my body were fueling this inner fire  as well.  I wanted to be perfect and I also knew that I had the luxury of time and having many options. In retro, that now seems to me like the curse of possibilities and having potential.

Sadly, Marissa I haven’t been able to be perfect and I will never be, I am 25, I don’t have forever.

The first person that has confronted me about my fickleness is Kwabena. Audacious fella. I hate and love him for it. He is one of the reasons I probed my situation and made necessary discoveries to implement change – to be fearfully decisive and appropriately consistent when it comes to pursuing my interests generally. With all positivity, I feel I am in the last days of my old self.

On my path to change, that innate fierce loyalty I have, but I’m afraid to give to one thing or person, for fear of misplacing it, is now fighting for a place in the fore.  Fear of regret and excessive cautiousness, the juggling of a thousand options and so on, have had to fall second. I have been around myself for 25 years and I know where I am “with” and where I am “without”. With a streak of arrogance, I feel I know what I need for the next level and that is making definite choices and sticking to my gun. Girl, refusing to make a choice is a choice itself, and a pathetic one for that matter.

Time no dey for doing too many, it is best I do few and do it well, and where necessary, choose just one and go at it with consistency and intensity. In the words of Halle Berry, it’s not about frequency but intensity.

It is through all of these considerations that I have been able to reach a career decision in the past months. It was hard to let all others go, and leave the comfort of a myriad of options, to risk it with one.  But it’s all for favoring intensity.

And for choosing a man, I’ve never taken what I want seriously. I have been unfair to myself and hurt myself before. I have also had good fun and favors in between. However, with that also, I will bring myself to a choice. I will go with one, my one and only and keep it intense.

Marissa, Ms. Tei has dropped her learner’s license and removed the beta badge. I am done with “trying out”.

Few, just one and then intensity. Marissa, are we rooting or what?