Nothing much just a slip of trust

Dear Marissa,

Often we solicit advice. No man is an island they say. If you want to master living, you have to learn from those that have gone ahead of you and learn from their mistakes. You need not make all of your own just to learn. However Marissa there is a line, a thin one, between getting good advice and being mislead.

I usually have questions out of the blue for people concerning relationships. “Edem, would you leave Ghana to be with your husband, if it came to it?” “Mum, how secretive should you be in a relationship?”

Sometimes I don’t do the asking. I am rather asked. But with these experiences I have noticed people who are somewhat broken have different views from those that are happy with their partners. Some however have been through a lot but nonetheless they aren’t blinded by pain. They are objective and the spade is called a spade.

I am more particular about views from people still stuck in their pain. These are people who don’t even realize that their exes are still haunting them. Love like religion and politics are subjects that are useless to argue over with the aim of coming to a consensus. People will always carry their own views based on their experiences.

Marissa I am beating about the bush … The thing is I sorta told someone off for something I assumed he could have done. I accused him of something under the influence of what someone had said and now I know sey I blast*. And you know just because of his past, I gave him no chance to explain himself.  I wouldn’t even listen. You know I am not naive, I know we are all capable of things even those we are wrongly accused of. However it is always best to trust in people we have decided to love. Until they do something wrong and you catch them at it,  I think you should give them a break.

Marissa trust is a decision. It doesn’t come automatically especially when you have lived longer and you know how awful human beings can be. So now I feel if you are “waiting” to trust, then you never will. But even more so if you are full of mistrust for another based on what another has said, then you might be making a big mistake. And please I am only talking for relationships between these men and women that we love and ourselves.

There are some of your friends you should be tired of listening to by now. “As for me” “Me deɛ” “Oh by now he’s with another girl” “That chick, she be sᴐm*way” Bla bla bla bla … All just because they have had it bad previously.

Marissa despite the negative aspect of listening to others, I know there are men or women who have been saved by advice. So the question now remains, where do you draw the line? Between getting good advice and washing your linen in public only to get feedback from those who don’t know how to wash theirs?

Trust … is a decision and I did decide to trust and on two consecutive occasions I was let down. One was abysmal — a total April Fool made out of me.  The other, I had it coming. But even with these I still advice, if you have to rely on others’ assumptions, not even eye witnessing but assumptions, then you will have a problem.

Until this false accusation got me into trouble, I thought the idiots in my past were gone. But Marissa they don’t go entirely because you are afraid to have your time wasted again. That makes you vulnerable and so the moment your advisor ignites suspicion, you are already on fire, burning what it has taken you time to build.

Marissa  read sentence 4 of paragraph 6 again. Italicized for you.  And yeah Marissa I can hear you saying it now. Shame on you Sandister, shame on you.

If you didn’t get the * words

*SϽm way — Some way (usually used to replace “inappropriate” in Ghanaian pidgin English)

*Blast — A term in Ghanaian pidgin English, used as a verb intransitively often. It means to have done something wrongly especially in an embarrassing way. It could be the equivalent of “epic fail”

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2012 2013

Dearest Marissa,

Stuff happened in 2012.

I couldn’t go to grad school, it was upsetting. Pepe thought it appropriate to die when we needed him the most. I met a “crab” but I failed to use him to prepare soup.  As an Akan will say, “Mεntumi amfa kϽtϽ anyε nkwan.”* I also got a job then I got fired after my probation. As a Ghanaian, the Woyome scandal, Mills’ death, the plane crash at El- Wak and Election 2012 tensions disturbed me. For the Melcom disaster, I was just depressed.

The lessons that came out of these events are what I have always known and that is why I believe that what many of us need in our lives are the ability to remember relevant experiences and the power to apply these experiences, to the perfection of our lives. Just remember what to do and exercise the power to do it.

On not going to grad school, all I will say is 2013 is another opportunity to kill it. (As a Facebook  friend put it). 2013, I have another shot at going back to school. In life, look out for and also be grateful for the chances at another shot in everything. That’s life’s kindness to us even when we mess up at first. Go claim what you lost.

On death, mum thinks death is profit, life rather is a hassle. That statement hasn’t left me alone, then Harold dies this year soon after New Year. I will write to you about Harold. Soon. For now on lessons from Pepe’s passing, I believe you should love and share with those you want to now. No procrastination and hardening of the heart should stand in your way. We shouldn’t wait till they are dead, then cry or begin to pay useless tributes to them.  If not when they do die, shut your mouth and don’t grieve. You didn’t love them enough.

On Ghana, the nation didn’t go into intense chaos but I still feel that many Ghanaians don’t know jack  about democracy, peace and civility. C’est comme ci comme ça. Shame on the people who went on riots and for those that went verbal online dissing some groups, they were pathetic. We had to be begged to remain calm which didn’t have to be so. But some countries have it worse. Previous years, have been worse. So I am nonetheless grateful the streets remain free till today.

I told you I was fired from my job after probation. Planning Wikimedia Ghana found me afterwards and I now get to be part of a team of a global movement very relevant in the digital media industry. I had to get fired from somewhere to get here. I am now a licensee of Wikimedia Trademarks and an active contributor to Wikipedia and other wiki projects. Marissa just equip yourself and be yourself. When one door closes, based on what you are dedicated to, another will fly open.

I also I started a business with my Dad. He is a retiree with over 20 years of experience in printing. I wanted to encourage him not to give up on life. 60 years plus and he now has a company. It’s not too late to start. I on the other hand partnered with him with social media services and e-publishing. We will complement each other. 2012 gave us the slot in time to launch and I am grateful. I learnt from someone back in uni this about entrepreneurship and starting out — “It is possible”.

My love life in 2012 was actually 2011 bitching on me. I came into 2012 with one of these so-called “it is complicated” relationships. All I have to say is when someone is honest enough to tell you they are in a relationship but “it’s complicated”, bolt. As the name suggests, they are indeed complicated. I went to God about it. You see many of us feel sϽm*  way going to God about love. We ask God for money, protection but love, naa … we leave it for the desperate people to do that.

I got some common sense to ask God for some peace of mind and I believe I am in the processes of getting it. After Mr. Complicated, another dude’s Android synced his Google contacts  and he suddenly found this woman on his phone, he thought she was pretty, called her up on Viber …we are three months old. I don’t have all the factors but I know I did pray. However I am not being complacent. I am still praying. Men and women can be funny. I want the best for myself. I will not build my house and fall asleep where I am now just yet. This might also be just a temporary camp. No matter how sweet these relationships start, no matter how good they make you feel such that you go stick out your tongue at your ex, you need not get complacent.

17 days into 2013 how are things? For me, I made no resolutions. I made quite a few years back and I am yet to finish fulfilling those. But with speed and dedication, I will finish and perhaps 2014 I will have new ones to make.

If I am to advice anyone on what they should try doing this year, I would say “apply”. Apply what you know. You know the good things you should do for yourself so apply what you know. Make it a point to remember what is relevant and apply it.

If you didn’t get the * words

*Mεntumi amfa kϽtϽ anyε nkwan — I couldn’t make the best out of the situation

*SϽm way — Some way (usually used to replace “inappropriate” in Ghanaian pidgin English)

Three men and how they wanted it.

“I am coloured by you”

Dear Marissa,

You just need to know how people like things done especially when you are committed to pleasing them. Many people stay alone not because they can’t find anybody, but of the billions of people on this earth very few know how to handle others.

There’s this beautiful story I heard in church. Once upon a time three men walked past Christ successively. Christ merely waved at the first and he waved back and kept walking. The second went to Christ and got handshake before he moved on. The third run to Christ, and He took him into His bosom and held him. Dude then continued his walk.

The preacher asked what we made of this story. Simply, we need different gestures to get the same message of love communicated to us. And when you understand people like Christ did in the story, you’ll know who needs a wave, who needs a handshake and who needs a hug.

I recommend that for people you have decided to commit to—friend, family, lover etc. It’s a must to consciously make the effort to learn how to care for them. If not, get out of the way. In fact don’t get in it in the first place.

Marissa many of us are so deprived and unhappy that’s just because the people that should be completing us are the ones doing it all wrong. I mean the responsibility is not entirely theirs; we have the job to make ourselves happy too. However we all know some of our joy is in others. However if only the people we open up to know what they are doing, it wouldn’t suck to love, like and need others.

Learn how to deal with people once you have taken up that space in their lives. If not please, step aside. You have the power to help somebody feel really positive and then do positive things. You have the power to damage self- esteem and affect mental well-being as well. Anyone who has seen Smallville or Heroes would wish for such supernatural Clark Kent or Nakamura’s powers to be real. But we don’t need all that. We just need the little human things we do to make others feel saved. If you know someone has part of their happiness in you and you have accepted to be there for them as well, learn how to manage them if you don’t know how to.

I meant for this to be a short letter.  I also wrote this for a certain somebody to find. That sketch up there, I made that for him sometime back and named it “I am coloured by you”. I just want this somebody to know that actions make a difference so he should learn how to deal with me as he’s taking up that space in my life.  And this goes for everyone starting something new or looking to improve any sort of relationship– learn ya way around things, grow up “upstairs”. Immaturity is too common. Stand out.

Then also, if you are at the receiving end, make it clear what you want. You can’t have them guessing?

And this is just by the way. I never thought it necessary to update my relationship status on Facebook. I just would go like “yuck” when I see people with theirs in the news feeds but see me now, I am going to change mine for the first time. I want to acknowledge the deserving. I have also taken up the space in his life right? I’ll do my part and give my “wave” on fb in this case.

Have a happy Monday Marissa.

The One

Dear Marissa,

People have given up searching for “the one”. It’s no joke finding your perfect fit. Soul mates perhaps aren’t, they become. Soul mates perhaps don’t become, they are. The last time I remember saying on Facebook that I have found my soul mate, I was referring to my career path. People were sending me messages asking who “he” was. Someone even sent a comment which he quickly deleted saying I should wait and “see”.  I had never seen so many inbox messages in a day. However if I was referring to a person, how would I Sandister know if I have found the one?

This is what I know: expressing love or interest makes you risk becoming commonplace in the eyes of your object of interest.  Not many people can handle being loved without taking it for granted. When people know you love them or have some interest in them that’s when they start to show off because they know that this gal or guy is feeling me or something I have. Let me flaunt myself. Let me abuse it. And in this day and age of social media, woe betide you if you are within their network, you will be subtly cc’d in their tweets and Facebook statuses.

I fuck such people in my head all the time but I guess it’s human nature. You gotta pity more than you hate.

Personally people hardly handle my interest in them well. I just tell them and then show them and then I watch them go crazy. Like I just cast ego spells on people. But with time and in self defence I have also learnt to dump people, and dump them fast. Chick we all have to learn how to do that. Chief makers at the end of the day de-stool chiefs, you feel me?  They stretch you. When you get tired and lose interest, they start to wonder where you went. They’d say, “She was all over me about a minute ago, where did she go?”  Marissa have you ever felt responsible for inflating an ego? Stick a pin it and move on.

But this is just my personal reality; we all have our issues you know? This might not put you off as it puts me off.  In search of “the one”, we all look for different things.

My testimony is I have never met anyone who doesn’t take interest or affection for granted. Never. Me koraa I dey inside before. But I quit my immaturity along the line so I can comfortably point fingers however I like.  And that day when I meet that man or woman who has matured past that cliché ordinariness that we all share; that day when I meet someone who stays fresh, excited and appreciative; that day when I meet the one who rules out complacency in favour of maintenance and upward growth in a relationship, I know I would have found the one.

I know someone who seems like this one I am talking about. Yeah that’s why I am here writing about the topic. I am so sceptical, full of unbelief. Like is he for real? I go to bed and wake up not expecting to “find” him still here. I count the days 1,2, 3 … and ask, has he changed yet? When is he going to start taking me for granted? 4, 5, 6, …

You might sit there and judge me for being such a pessimist. But I will tell you I am being realistic. But this is not the focus of my letter to you. I am here about that personal quality we all look for in people that seems so rare in identification of the one.

Hannah

Dear Marissa,

Let us hear the word of God. 1 Samuel chapter 1 (GNT)

1 There was a man named Elkanah, from the tribe of Ephraim, who lived in the town of Ramah in the hill country of Ephraim …

2 Elkanah had two wives, Hannah and Peninnah. Peninnah had children, but Hannah did not.

3 Every year Elkanah went from Ramah to worship and offer sacrifices to the Lord Almighty at Shiloh …

4 Each time Elkanah offered his sacrifice, he would give one share of the meat to Peninnah and one share to each of her children.

5 And even though he loved Hannah very much he would give her only one share, because the Lord had kept her from having children.

6 Peninnah, her rival, would torment and humiliate her …

7 This went on year after year; whenever they went to the house of the Lord, Peninnah would upset Hannah so much that she would cry and refuse to eat anything.

8 … Elkanah would ask her, “Hannah, why are you crying? Why won’t you eat? Why are you always so sad? Don’t I mean more to you than ten sons?”

9-10 One time, after they had finished their meal in the house of the Lord at Shiloh, Hannah got up. She was deeply distressed, and she cried bitterly as she prayed to the Lord. Meanwhile, Eli the priest was sitting in his place by the door.

11 Hannah made a solemn promise: “Lord Almighty, look at me, your servant! See my trouble and remember me! Don’t forget me! If you give me a son, I promise that I will dedicate him to you for his whole life and that he will never have his hair cut.”

12 Hannah continued to pray to the Lord for a long time, and Eli watched her lips.

13 She was praying silently; her lips were moving, but she made no sound. So Eli thought that she was drunk,

14 and he said to her, “Stop making a drunken show of yourself Stop your drinking and sober up!”

15 “No, I’m not drunk, sir,” she answered. “I haven’t been drinking! I am desperate, and I have been praying, pouring out my troubles to the Lord. 16 Don’t think I am a worthless woman. I have been praying like this because I’m so miserable.”

17 “Go in peace,” Eli said, “and may the God of Israel give you what you have asked him for.”

18 “May you always think kindly of me,” she replied. Then she went away, ate some food, and was no longer sad.

19 The next morning Elkanah and his family got up early, and after worshiping the Lord, they went back home to Ramah. Elkanah had intercourse with his wife Hannah, and the Lord answered her prayer.

20 So it was that she became pregnant and gave birth to a son. She named him Samuel, and explained, “I asked the Lord for him.”

This is the Word of God.

Marissa, I was reunited with this chapter a while ago and I thought to talk to you about it. The various “shoes” in this story filled by  Eli, Hannah, Peninnah and Elkanah, are the same shoes many of us are in. The scenarios make up some of what we go through everyday.

Many of us are needing like Hannah. Then there are the Peninnahs who are having their moments and think they have it “all” now so the Hannahs can go fuck themselves.

There are the Elkanahs. They display emotional maturity and they have perfected the art of knowing what they want and taking responsibility for what they have started. They support, they love even when you are at your lowest. Oh how rare they are.

The Elis think they see something. They think they ‘know’. And they have the audacity to judge the Hannahs and call them drunk.

Then comes in the Gods. The Ga man will say, “Amɛ shaaɲ tiɲ”  (They don’t give a fart) They couldn’t care less what Peninnahs think of Hannahs. They will settle the Hannahs at the appointed time. All the Hannahs will have to do is connect with them, find them, and share their troubles with them and they will be as good as solved. Marissa God and the people like him don’t hate your enemies like you do. The fact that you don’t genuinely like someone, doesn’t mean the person will fail. Wake up from that dream. Be careful you rather don’t end up at the bottom. You may cause others to fall or they will fall by themselves but we are all allowed to rise again.

To the Hannahs, maybe your troubles just began or you have been in it for a while. I respect those of you working to solve the personal battles you have. You know them battles that make you cry till your stomach muscles hurt? Yeh. But keep seeking and keep asking. Let them consider you drunk but do not be drunk. You can lie to others but not yourselves and God. Let your motives be pure. At a point in time you have to heed to Eli and “go in peace”, eat some food and move from the state of pining and agonizing and get to work. Real work. Quantifiable work.

Since you want a baby, go lay with Elkannah. Go work with the people who will help get you there. And for god-sake for once in your unproductive holding- on- to-unproductive- people life, wise up. When you’ve done what you should do, you will become pregnant. Samuel will come. Abide by the earlier promises you made. Never forget where you came from and how damn hard and long it took to get Samuel.

Marissa we can all be characters in this story that played in Ramah thousands of years ago. Days pass and roles may change. I hope I made sense.

To end I will say this to the Hannahs: remember, don’t become a Peninnah when you succeed. That makes you a snake, a hypocrite. However,  feel free to remember them and lol.